Unique Collections of Humor Quotes
Albert Einstein
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein
Frank Zappa
“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa
Mae West
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West
“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous
Jane Austen
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen
Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx
Steve Martin
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin
Mark Twain
“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain
Douglas Adams
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Garrison Keillor
“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor
Robert A. Heinlein
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein
Jim Henson
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson
Charles M. Schulz
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― Paul Terry
Woody Allen
“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen
John Green
“Saying 'I notice you're a nerd' is like saying, 'Hey, I notice that you'd rather be intelligent than be stupid, that you'd rather be thoughtful than be vapid, that you believe that there are things that matter more than the arrest record of Lindsay Lohan. Why is that?' In fact, it seems to me that most contemporary insults are pretty lame. Even 'lame' is kind of lame. Saying 'You're lame' is like saying 'You walk with a limp.' Yeah, whatever, so does 50 Cent, and he's done all right for himself.”
― John Green
Groucho Marx
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx
Douglas Adams
“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Terry Pratchett
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers
Bill Watterson
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
Charles Bukowski
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
― Charles Bukowski
Suzanne Collins
“Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!
“I love mankind ... it's people I can't stand!!”
― Charles M. Schulz, The Complete Peanuts, Vol. 5: 1959-1960
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade
W.C. Fields
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields
George Carlin
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin
Charles J. Sykes
“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes, Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good about Themselves but Can't Read, Write or Add
Jane Austen
“A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
Markus Herz
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”
― Markus Herz
“Have you ever noticed how ‘What the hell’ is always the right decision to make?”
― Terry Johnson, Insignificance
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